Wanting Another Baby

Wanting Another Baby - One Woman's Journey
I was born with the God given desire to be a mother. My childhood was filled with games of tending to the various needs of my “babies -- diapering feeding, switching their outfits. If there was something that had anything to do with babies, I was all over it. My family all knew that I was born to be a mother. So it was no surprise when I got married at 18 and had my first baby a few months before my 20th birthday.

I was thrilled when I first found out I was pregnant, I had no doubt, or reason to doubt that nine months later I would get to hold my very own real baby. I loved every minute of my pregnancy and when my first son, Jean-Luc, was born, I was "in heaven." I was finally doing what I had always wanted to do.

A year and a half later, I found myself pregnant again and I just knew it was a girl. My pregnancy went, once again without complication. My second son, Connor, came into this world healthy and strong. I still had the desire for a daughter, but my husband wanted to be done having children and enjoy our two beautiful boys. This is when my heart struggle began.

I desperately wanted to honor my husband, but my heart longed for a daughter. For the next two and a half years, I prayed that God would change his heart. I tried to convince him that we should have just one more, but there was nothing I could do to change his mind. I grew so weary of thinking about it every single day. “Can I be content with just two? Can I be content never knowing the joys of having a daughter? Playing with hair and nails and sharing my own love of children with my own little mommy-to-be someday?” I became consumed with these thoughts and was not succeeding in trusting in the Lord. I was trying to take it into my own hands and I was failing. Now, please don’t think that I did not love and dote upon my precious boys, but sadly, my heart could not focus on the joy in front of me because it was focused on joy unknown to me.

Wanting Another Baby - The Struggles
I entered a severe depression and actually thought of taking my life. I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t enjoy the beautiful children God had given me. There was no joy in being a mother and that made me feel sad for my boys and guilty that I was not enjoying them. I was listening to all the wrong thoughts, feeling hopeless, and insufficient.

One day I had a wake up call. I realized that I was not trusting God to be sovereign over my family. I was believing the lies that I was not a good enough mother for my sons and that I would not be truly happy without a daughter. I realized how selfish I had been for wanting a daughter so much that I was overlooking the joys that God had placed in my hands. But most importantly, I realized that I could not be content without surrendering it all to the one true, living God. I felt like a lump of clay that had been crushed and I wanted the Master Potter to remold me into who He would have me be.

I started praying that He would either take the desire out of my heart or put it in my husband's. I finally had peace and rest and a true contentment that can only come from the Savior. Nothing outwardly had changed, but inwardly I was able to leave my burden at the foot of the cross and be truly content with whatever plan God had for me -- even if that meant no daughter. The peace and joy that came was overwhelming.

Wanting Another Baby - The Answer
Then God answered my prayer. Not that I didn’t want another child, but I was finally content if He didn’t have any more for me. He also changed my husband's heart and all of a sudden, he wanted as many children as God had for us to have! What a miracle. What seemed impossible to me for two and a half years, God did in mere days.

A few months later, my husband was awakened in the middle of the night and felt that God had clearly told him to name his next child Obadiah. The next day, he sat me down and told me and my heart dropped. Obadiah is not a girl name. I wasn’t even pregnant yet and my hopes of a daughter were dashed. I had a little temper tantrum with God that day, then I realized once again that His plans are best and decided that I would rejoice over another child regardless of the sex.

Two months later, we rejoiced over the positive pregnancy test. We were finally going to have another child. We were all very happy. My husband and I started making plans for the birth and it seemed as though our thoughts were constantly surrounding the new baby. We had never had complications before, so we saw no reason not to tell our great news to everyone we knew. Unfortunately, our joy was short lived when at 6 ½ wks. I started spotting. It was a small amount every day, but for the next 10 days I waited for the gush of blood that would end my pregnancy. It never did come that way.